Anyhow, that movie (or at the least the parts I saw) give new meaning to the words plodding and predictable. Like I said, I didn't see the whole thing (what person with two fully-functioning hemispheres and the ability to change the channel would?), but I had a quick idea for a major re-write. In the original,
A screenwriter does research for his new script by actually kidnapping and drowning young girls. He then places them in his "garden" of other dead girls coming back daily to check on them. One girl narrowly escapes and the other bodies are found leading to an ingenious plot to try and capture the killer.
-- totally stolen from IMDB.
If M. Night Shyamalan were directing (he of surprise endings i.e., Sixth Sense), the whole thing would be a buildup to the point where Judd's escaped female victim is safe with police officer Boone in a motel room -- She tries to get him to stay by making her nipples very hard and erect so that they are quite protuberant (thesaurus to the rescue!). He extricates himself with some difficulty and goes back to work to catch the killer -- the aforementioned Judd Nelson .
Anyhow, my rewrite has Boone not leaving, but instead staying (reluctantly) and then he and nipple-girl have wild wilde wilddee sex. Just as Boone climaxes, he grabs her head and knocks her out against the headboard. You see, Judd was just a writer obsessed with the killings, and while he had kidnapped this chick, he hadn't killed the first 5 girls, and really never planned to kill her. Boone was the killer the whole time.
Instead of my great switcheroo, we have another 40 minutes or so of complete bullshit -- In fact here's a great scene (bear with me here) -- Judd has the heroine and his female director (I don't honestly know where she came from) on a boat on the lake. He's being chased by Boone and others (hippie friends of the heroine, I think). Well, Judd ties the women to a cement block, and pushes the block overboard. He then stands between them easily holding them on the ledge of the boat in a display of very bad movie physics and gives some stupid-ass speech to Boone, et al. I think it starts with, "I was born in the house my father built," and goes downhill from there. When he finishes, he lets go of the women and gives them a push. They are immediately dragged straight to the bottom of the lake.
Instead of shooting Judd, as any red-blooded-american-that-hasn
Now, a mask is sort of necessary to see, however it isn't a requirement -- especially in this remarkably pristine British Columbia lake. And any diver smart enough to breath through a regulator ought to know how to clear a mask of water. But maybe her mind is too muddled by the cannabis. She forgets all about the director, and Boone is too busy staring at his heroine's chest to think clearly. I was confused too, by a couple of things. One being the lousy-ass knot the hippie chick tied (Dude, unless it's a T-shirt, I don't know what I'm doing, man. Why else would I wear these stupid moccasins?). Another detail that seemed odd was the clearly visible crease on the heroine's face, obviously made by a mask. Where did this mask come from? Where did it go? Maybe she grabbed the hippie girl's mask and that's why the hippie girl forgot about the director.
After talking the situation over for a minute, they finally go to retrieve the director. But wait! They can't find her. How can they be expected to find a women in a bright red dress, even though they haven't changed their position since leaving her to die and visibility is easily 100 feet? When they finally do recover her body, guess what? In an effort to maintain predictability to the end, Judd is missing. I won't waste your time with more of this crap.
Well, if you haven't seen the movie, I'm not sure any of that makes sense. But for god's sake, don't take this as a reason to sit through this excrement. It was bad. So bad it has no redeeming value. None. Instead, put The Shaft in your Netflix queue if you haven't already laughed your ass off at the creature that looks like a giant, over-cooked muffin from the I Love Lucy show.
