Friday, June 15, 2007

Comedy of the Future

Old news:

Under a broad new set of laws criminalizing speech that ridicules the government or its officials, some resurrected verbatim from Saddam Hussein’s penal code, roughly a dozen Iraqi journalists have been charged with offending public officials in the past year.

from: Iraqi Journalists Add Laws to List of Dangers
Published: September 29, 2006

Ahh, Democracy is wonderful! I have images of a new comedian -- a Yakov Smirnoff for a future Iraq. His shtick will be an Iraqi who, now that he is liberated and free to taste the manna that is American Democracy, loses his job as a taxi driver to foreigners coming to Iraq to get jobs. Unfortunately, he gets arrested for telling a joke about George Bush, Jalal Talabani and a donkey named Barbara.

The irony will be that he heard Laura Bush tell the exact same joke on an HBO special.

After 3 years in Gitmo he gets released for lack of evidence and is sent back to Iraq, where he is killed 4 days after returning by American soldiers who mistake him for Osama Bin Laden.

The funny part is that at this point in the future, everyone knows that Osama Bin Laden is doing nightly sold-out shows in Vegas with Charo and George Hamilton.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Plea from Hell (an e-mail)

"This is going to sound like a weird question," Wendy said as she stepped out of her office.

I braced myself. I gripped the arms of my chair. I fixed my eyes on my monitor in the hopes that that would keep them from rolling into the back of my head. I wondered if I could get out the front door before she said another word.

"Have you ever had,"


"one of your toenails suddenly turn black?"



But she didn't stop. . . .

"I think it's my boots . . ."

I tried to shut my ears to the incessant roar. The vacuum that is Wendy's brain.

A moment passed. Is it safe? I let my attention wander from the massive effort of feigning deafness. Only for a moment. But long enough to hear Mick say, "If a doctor were to drill a hole in the toenail you would see a small pool of . . ."


I must get out.


Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Job Questing 1

Not surprisingly, I am on the job hunt quest. Again.

In an effort to avoid saying those things that always seem to pop into my head during interviews, I've decided to start an ongoing feature detailing some of the stupid questions I get, some of the idiotic answers I give, and those things I'd really, really like to say, but am too desperate to utter.

Of course, I will also share some of the hole-digging tactics I seem to excel in, as well as when not to use the word "fuck."

And that is my first bit of advice. When asked to give an example of how you handled working with a difficult co-worker, do not say, "I remained calm and tried to strike a conciliatory tone, although almost anyone else would probably have told the guy to fuck-off."

This will not score you points, and may lead to a hasty end to any hope you may have had to work for slave wages (in a city with the highest cost-of-living on the eastern seaboard) at a small prestigious publishing house.

So, you are now forewarned.