Demons! Cease Your Incessant Loud and Angry Spluttering Vocalizations

Please! All of you! Enough of your damnable ululations! Enough pleading and imploring!

I do hate to yield to all of my fans' miserably demeaning supplications, but it seems none of you will give me a moment's respite, a brief intermission, from the relentless demands to watch and rewatch my unforgettable storytelling performance. So here it is in all its glory.

My premier performance of the true story that I call, variously, "Quaint Coronary Kills Quizzical Cogitation Causing Karma Correction," or "Lilliputian Laments About Living."

I was unable to watch it in its entirety until very recently (I swear I will finish watching it this time). But I can tell you that my lip gyrations and "slurring lisp" which occurs around 6:00 is me suffering from cotton mouth - not a stroke or seizure - as some of you have opined. I simply ran out of mouth moisture. If someone had overcome their shyness and thrown a bottle of water at me, I would have cheered quite boisterously.

Really, the only reason I posted this was because I have a new performance I hope

Genuine Money Maker

I'm going to write a diet book called, "The Concentration Camp Diet." It will be a simple diet of calorie & protein infused mush that you eat three times a day. I'll charge $300 for a month's worth. It eliminates all the struggle of figuring out what you can and can't eat.

A Paean to Old Ghosts

For all my brothers out there.

Today I woke up in a mood of sadness and loneliness. Throughout my morning rituals this slowly grew into feelings swinging between apathy and self-pity.

Sometimes I think my brain does these things simply out of boredom.

After an hour of feeling sorry for myself I took stock of my current situation - not a deep personal reflection on my multitude of failures and meager successes, but a quick inventory. Everything from "Am I breathing?" to "Is my car going to start?"

It's never a very long process. Sometimes, simply knowing I can drive my car with the top down can halt the downward spiral of my mood. If not, realizing I have that luxury about 80% more often than MINI Roadster owners in Finland will . Other times this thought of Finland,