Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Check the Weather in Hades

Okay gang, for those of you who don't know: I have finally been selected to represent the United States in the Cup-Stacking Olympics in 2008. Therefore, I am taking the next year off from my very demanding and busy job of being a hand and ankle model to hone my craft. This is a great opportunity and also reduces the anxiety I have had ever since I started trying to juggle my two passions. I constantly worried that I would injure my hands and lose my modeling gigs, or worse, get so famous as a hand and ankle model that my efforts as a serious athlete would be overshadowed.

Anyhow, I just wanted to let you all know that when you no longer see my wrists modeling the latest in anti-static wristbands, or see my ankles on TV (that work as Victim Number Three - the Hush Puppies sticking out under the car -- in Law and Order is still paying my cable bill!), it is only because I am pursuing an Olympic Gold, and not because of any rumors you may hear about my supposed use of Botox to increase the size of my pinkie-toes.

Alas, I still have to pay that legal bill (that doctor so needed his tires slashed), so I have taken a job at (only until the cup-stacking endorsements start rolling in). I am a Customer Service Representative (so pretentious) in the Financial Accounting department, and I am sure you can't wait to start hearing about all my adventures here. My job is only fifteen minutes from home, and they have some state-of-the-art exercise facilities here that will be a great help in my "bid for gold."

My new phone number is 212/555.6624.

Please don't give my phone number to any sports agents or studio reps -- I don't want the folks here to treat me like some kind of celebrity -- I'm enjoying this little bit of anonymity. Of course, I'm sure my coworkers will soon spot the similarities between my right hand and the blood-drenched hand on the poster for that great indie flick, Elvis's Hand Lives.

And for god's sake, don't let Nan Talese know you've heard from me -- she hasn't left me alone for five minutes since I was her stunt double on that Entertainment Tonight special.

Of course you can always reach me through my agent at Hillbilly Hands and Feet (I do so wish they'd change that name, but the original founder, bless her soul, discovered Granny, and just won't let it go).

No comments: