Saturday, May 10, 2014

Melinda tries to compete

I Gots A Tumor, Part B

The continuing story so far

This is the second entry where I repost Facebook posts on this here bloggery thing. It adds content to O Woe Is Me without requiring me to actually write anything. At the same time, it helps me maintain the charade that I actually do work at my place of employment.

If you want to read Part Uno, refer to the post that immediately proceeds this one, here.

If you did read these as they originally appeared on Facebook, you will find little changed. I've even ported the comments over from that site, but have anonymized them, hiding the true identities of the posters.

Let us continue:

Dateline: Tuesday, July 9, 2013

My other sister,Melinda Harvey Kianpour, had to go and outdo my sister Suzanne Grayson, by having an aneurysm in her BRAIN almost TWICE as BIG as Suzanne's aneurysm. And this morning she underwent BRAIN Surgery! They stuck a COIL in her HEAD!

I got to see Melinda before her operation, but she was not a hell of a lot of fun to be around. At least not at first. She seemed a little nervous, so I tried to get her mind off her worries by telling her about all the things that could not possibly go wrong. That seemed to do the trick. The anesthesiologist stopped by and the next thing you know, Melinda was giggling and getting pretty goofy with her husband Behzad. Then they wheeled her off to surgery.

After a couple of hours of waiting, I'm happy to say I was doing fine. I got a chance to catch up with my brother-in-law. And Karen, one of Melinda's long-time friends, talked my frickin' ear off and forced me to play a game on her iPad. But most importantly, Suzanne was there and I was able to determine that she did not sound like a chipmunk or talk like a duck and - though she did have a tendency to talk about herself a little overmuch - she never once displayed any unreasonable fear of food products, bagels included.

So I relaxed quite a bit. Then Melinda's surgeon, a guy who had clearly fallen down Jack's Beanstalk (by that I mean he was Really TALL, gentle readers) showed up to tell us what a great job he had done sticking a COIL in Melinda's BRAIN!

It was an odd moment of Deja VĂș - hadn't he told us the exact same thing in this exact same waiting room two weeks ago? Yes. Yes, he had; which was good news for me. I mean Melinda.

Anyhow, I won't bore you with the details of our post-op visit with Melinda, except to say that my clothes were not soiled in any way.

[Editor's Note: For reasons that I think will become clear, this was my subtle reference to an unpleasant incident immediately after surgery when Melinda was transferred from the gurney to her bed. I happened to be standing near the bed when her unhappy stomach decided to eject the slightest bit of gross, slimy, green . . . stuff. I assert to this day that none of it got on my shirt, or in my eye.]

Melinda should be released tomorrow, and I'm positive she will be doing great within a week.

Now, I know you are all once again wondering the same thing - the most important thing - john, what about you? How are YOU holding up after having to experience this twice? What further indignities will you have to suffer old pal, old chum?

Well . . . This aneurysm thing - I figured if it can kill a person, it might even be able to kill me. So, I'm going to get a COIL stuck in my BRAIN too. No - I haven't been tested yet, but we all know I must have a brain aneurysm - c'mon - it explains everything (well almost everything).

Apparently, however, insurance companies and doctors aren't so easily swayed by the argument, "Well, duh!" So I'll be getting an MRI as soon as they can get me in. I will be using my time to closely monitor Melinda, and continue my assessment of Suzanne.

If either of them starts speaking Pig Latin in iambic pentameter, I may rethink the whole thing.

Then again - that might be kind of fun.

I will leave you with that thought -- I bid you, "Good night."

Also, let me repeat this for those of you who didn't see my first status about Suzanne's operation - If you who have managed to suffer this far, and still find my attitude sick, or disturbing, or worse - stupid: all I can say is - forgive me, there is almost certainly something wrong with my BRAIN!


MAK (My friend and a KC school nurse): Dear brother john. You AND your brain are both in my thoughts and prayers. And I am Catholic so you know I pray A LOT!!!

Me:  I'm not sure about this - My sister says she'd have my uncle perform mass for me. My feelings are strong - I don't believe in this stuff - and let's not draw any undue attention to me, just in case I'm wrong.

MAK: A mass in your name is a WONDERFUL idea.

Me:  Sez you

MAK: Go to that mass and gave a blessing with all in attendance lay hands on u. It is very powerful and reassuring.

MAK: Have

Me:  Or smoke could spout out of my ears and 100 lightning bolts may rain down from the heavens. I've seen this stuff in movies

MAK: Come now Brother. Movies are not real or true.

Me:  I think even the most unrealistic movie can be true - but I know that's not your point.

Me:  But the laying on of hands, the mass - all of that would just be very wrong, very uncomfortable for me. really.

MAK: Then let us send u positive healing vibes through the universe.

MAK: And listen to your sisters. They have survived the journey.

Me:  I'll take that

MAK: Done.

CAC (One of my closest friends, he currently resides in Austin):  Holy cow man! You need to pick up the telephone device and give me a call some day. But get your MRI done, you procrastinator!

CAC:   By the way, pass on my love and best wishes to Melinda. I'm so sorry she had to have her head cut open.

Me:  That is the one thing I should have mentioned - no cutting of skull - no shaving of head! I was so bummed that I was not able to laugh at Suzanne & Melinda for bad haircuts. They both still have full heads of thick, wavy hair like my dad's. I'm stuck with this bald pate - thanks, mom!

And none of us will end up with big, visible scars to scare children with.

CAC:   Honestly, it may not be worth the effort then.

MAK: Do it!!!!

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